Post-election woes

By Francais Owen Healy

Another election day has come to pass, and six months from now we’ll all be hear­ing those same old tired pleas from dis­gruntled citizens. They’ll say things like “a black and white, republican or democrat, mentality amongst voters has destroyed political discourse in our country!” and “what we truly need is actual change on an individual level, we need to stop cling­ing to preexisting group think and read more into politics to find where we are all truly aligned!.”

Can you believe these people? Some of them don’t even vote! It’s like they don’t appreciate the unique opportunity we have here in America to vote for political candidates that will make decisions you agree with. I always just tell them if you didn’t vote you have no right to complain! Being in a political system in which you either attempt to force your will unto oth­ers or face having other’s will imposed unto you is a choice you personally made and now you have to deal with the conse­quences! If you think you might be one of these ruffians here’s some advice on how to vote the next time around so your voice is heard!

First you have to choose a political party to vote for. Researching for yourself and looking beyond party lines to find individual candidates who resonate with you is so hard with the advent of the inter­net, so instead just do it the easy way! All you have to do is think about how your parents voted and then vote that way. If that option doesn’t work for you, you can always just think about your favorite po­litically vocal high school teacher or col­lege professor and vote for the party they probably not-so-subtly endorsed. Every­one knows it’s not super petty to be in a position of authority and talk like your political opinions are fact. Many journal­ists do it as a career, so you know it’s cool! If you’re still having trouble choosing, just listen for issues that you get emotional over and conform to whatever party claims to give you what you want. Don’t think about the consequences! That’s some real independent thinking there!

After that you’re basically done, all you have to do then is just wait for po­litical ads to go on TV and listen for your party and the name associated with it and vote for that guy (or gal!) so you know what name to tick on the ballot!

Don’t worry though; if that’s too much work the government even puts the polit­ical party of each candidate next to them on the ballot so you can just pick what­ever is there.

After that you’re done! If you did ev­erything right you’ll probably have either Democrat or Republican marked. Good job! As you know, those two parties and their members by extension represent everyone in America completely. Poor Europeans have tons of political parties that commonly win seats in elections, which would be hard to keep track of! It would be easy to get tricked into voting for someone that might disrupt the status quo, which is bad. Aren’t you glad you live in America?


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