Andrew McIlvaine: Resilience Story – Reach through walls (poem)

Reach through walls

Mira, I want to show you something.
Let me tell you why you wear that sheathing.
Why you’re so hard to reach.
Why you weigh so much,
And it feels so hard to leave.

I know that you hear me speak,
I know that you feel me breathe.
I know that same feeling,
That one, where you feel unseen.

Sometimes I want to run,
But my feet feel like concrete.

Sometimes my mind feels so weak
And weeks go by
Before I find a new routine.

I remember being thirteen
Thinking I was unclean.

Like no matter how much
I scrubbed my skin,
The stain of generational pain,
Generations longing
For anything but the same,
Just wouldn’t leave my brain.

Old fate on repeat,
Like passing trains.
Stuck in a loop
A circle of blame.P

I hope I’m healing.
I tell my myself,
As the tears form
And begin to rain.

I hope these sacrifices are worth the gain.
I reach out to the ancestors
To voice my shame
Knowing they may be able to help,
But they’re too far away.

So, I turn to the images
That flow through my veins.
The ones that may help me explain
Why this shadow,
This reflection
is one and the same.

Mira, open your eyes,
I hear you say.
I believe you can move through walls
Try to break the chain.

— Andrew Mcilvaine

Andrew Mcilvaine: Resilience Story – Terms and Definitions

Xicalcoliuqui (stepped fret/twisted gourd) – a symbol of movement between the visible life and invisible world where reality sits on the other side of the liminal realm. This can be interpreted as a threshold or portal, which unites the earth and the sky, humans, and the gods. It is a very spiritual symbol that can be seen attached to the façade of archeological sites and pottery in central and south America, extending itself from myth to the physical world. Since it is a symbol attached to the gods, it holds divinity power, and ceremonial/ritualistically it becomes very significant in conveying hereditary authority passed down from a dynastic lineage. This symbol also represents unity/balance through its geometric orientation, reflecting itself with a mirrored image. Some interpret it as a symbol of sacred direction, a road we must travel after death. A road called the milky way river of life. A path that must be traveled in-order to achieve another life, through rebirth.

Axis Mundi – is a line or stem through the earths center, which connects the surface to the underworld and the heavens above. This is the point around which the universe revolves. In Mexica culture as well as dating back to the maya, Toltec, and olmec, the horizon line was seen as the meeting place of the heavens and earth. A place where knowledge could be echanged from one place to another, hints the reason why complexes like Chichen itza, and Teotihuacan were created. It was to watch over or observe the boundary line, also why these spaces are associated with sacrifice.

Quiquiztli (conch shell) – associated with the feathered serpent and God of wind, Quetzalcoatl. This symbol can be connected to fertility, war, sacrifice. The conch shell offering was dedicated to Tlaloc, the god of rain, water, lightening and agriculture. The conch was also an instrument, a trumpet, whose sound was associated with the breath of life, as well as rhythms of the sea. Also, the conch becomes a symbol of perfect harmony/balance as it holds the golden ratio in it geometric shape.

Atl (water) – Is the day symbol that means water. It is associated with Xiuhtecuhtli, the god of fire, as well as Chalchiuhtlicue the water diety. Atl is also associated with life, creation, and battle, or holy war. Something that is both external and internal. It is part of the word At-ltlachinolli or burnt water/scorched earth. Water is often attached to the idea of cleansing. Water also symbolizes movement, and is an essential part of traditional ofrendas, alongside earth, fire, and wind, the cardinal directions of life. Lastly water was a way to connect with the spiritual world through reflection. In fact, Teotihuacan the ancient complex that sits just right outside present Mexico City has mirror ponds that were used to map the stars above.

Guadalupe (the mother) – Guadalupe comes into play in Mexico in 1531, through the miracle that Juan Diego witnesses in the hills right outside present-day Mexico City. She approached him to ask the bishop to build a shrine of her there, so that the indigenous peoples would be baptized and converted to Catholicism. She promised that she would bless anyone with good fortune that called to her. She is often seen as the second mother of Mexico and the Mestizo race outside of La Malinche, the indigenous partner of Hernan Cortez, or Spanish conquistador who conquered the Mexica of Tenochtitlan. Guadalupe is associated with the rose.

Chain-link Fence – spiritually, the chain-link fence is associated with a barrier between two states of consciousness. Chains can mean weight, confinement, limitation, and isolation, or imprisonment. Whereas a link is a symbol of connection or a relationship to another person, or place. Dreaming of chain link fences can refer to feelings of guilt or anger and can signify a message from the spiritual realm that there’s a barrier that needs to be overcome or journey that awaits. Chain link fences are also woven structures, pieces of metal that are intertwined and connected. In fact, Charles Barnard who invented the chain link fence in 1844 was a cloth manufacturer and based the invention on the same machines that fabricated cloths. Chain-link fences were also the first type of fences that were used to separate the U.S. from Mexico were made up of roughly 700 miles of chain-link fence and barbed wire.

Paño (fabric) – Paños are traditional Mexican and Mexican American prison works of art typically drawn with ballpoint pen on fabric. These images often infuse symbols that are connected to both indigenous and non-indigenous life. Usually, these works have a religious undertone to them, and discuss ideas of falling from grace, and redemption. They also include Chicano imagery like lowriders, chains, and popular culture symbols like Nike, mickey mouse, etc. These types of artworks can be traced back to the 1920’s and 30’s, when mass imprisonments of Mexicans started to occur due to Anglo-Americans thinking that there was an invasion or attempt to strip white men jobs. This was of course just a continuation of the propaganda that was pushed by the American government that goes as far back as 1846-48. These types of works were originally created to communicate to loved ones the location and whereabouts they were being held, due to rapidness of most immigrants and non-immigrants being thrown into jail. Usually, these messages were written or drawn on clothing and bedding, and smuggled, or mailed out of the prison. They’re a symbol of love and longing.

Milagros (miracles) – Milagros are essentially miracles or charms that can be purchased. They are often used as gifts for protection. They are connected to good health and or good fortune. They can be used for ritualistic and divine purposes through devotion. Each miracle symbolizes a specific hope, or prayer. These votive folk figurines are made of silver or tin, and can be seen attached to ofrendas, altars, or shrines. Traditionally they were purchased through the church, but now they can be found in stores and sold by street vendors. Although they are commonly found in Mexico and Southern United States, they come from Spain and entered the Americas through the Conquest of Mexico. Because they are seen to hold mystical or magical powers, they are sometimes used by brujas/shamans. My great grandmother and grandma would buy these and give them to people in the hospital, whether it was for a birth, broken bone, or sickness.

Spider – spiders are connected to creation myths. Spiders are weavers, the makers of destiny, so they can be attached to wisdom, knowledge, and education. The great goddess of Teotihuacan represented a spider woman. Many interpretations of the spider can be associated with the spirit world or underworld. Archaeologist Alfonso Caso interprets this goddess to Tlaloc, the Mesoamerican god of rain, a motherly figure who brings fertility to the land.

Wheatley Courts Projects (San Antonio, Texas) – The place my parents were raised, and the place I was born and raised in for the first part of my life. The projects were leveled in 2014-2016 and turned into the East Meadows. A lot of the work that I make reflects this space, and the sacrifices that were made here in-order for me to take the path I ended up making. My mom lived off 1,400 dollars a year in this space. She, my brother, and I left due to several tragedies that occurred. The first being her best friend was shot in the head outside of our apartment. Due to the high murder rate in the projects, cops did not enter the Wheatley courts at night. His body was left outside from 3am-12pm the next day. In addition to this my dad got caught up in street life and ended up going to prison. He was originally facing 25 to life, and his crimes included attempted murder, capital murder, procession of drugs, grand theft auto, etc. Lastly, my mother’s roommate and her boyfriend robbed our apartment. Everything including furniture and groceries out of the fridge were taken. She was left with nothing, and no one was able to help her. This led to the difficult decision to leave San Antonio, and the life she only knew and was comfortable with. Subsequently she used the last of her money on three greyhound bus ticket that landed us in Missouri. San Antonio is the reason why my work lately has strictly been made up of white, black, and silver. A reflection of the spur’s basketball team, and the colors of SA, as well as paying homage to cattle and mestizo culture, which makes of much of the population. San Antonio outside of Laredo, and El Paso has the largest Mexican American population in the country. San Antonio is often seen as the Mexican American Capital of the world.

Ayoyotes (bells) – are a percussion instrument used by the Mexica. It consists of hard shells from the ayoyote or chachayotl tree. These bells were strapped or tied to the skin or cloths, either around the ankles or wrists. In ceremonial dance by concheros these bells were used to sound like rain. Concheros are performers who use dance to connect to their indigenous roots. Although these ceremonial dances can be connected to priesthood and ritualistic practices that are ancient in conception, they became popular in northern Mexico and Southern United States through the Chicano movement in the 40’s and 50’s.

Fence Stretchers – is a devise used in farming to stretch and pull wire taut. This tool is used to attach or connect separate parts together. Often it is used to fix or repair a broken fence.

Reflections (mirrors) – mirrors are regarded as sacred object which hold magical powers. They also symbolize water, as they reflect the world and self. They are said to connect the spiritual world with the real world. Also, mirrors are associated with sight and truth, self-reflection, and the soul. In Mexico mirrors were used to reveal one’s destiny through divination.

Stained Glass – This material is connected to spiritualism. How light moves through and reflects off it was seen a divine encounter with God. Thus, the reason why in the medieval period, stained glass was so heavily incorporated into religious spaces. Therefore, stained glass symbolizes purity, heaven/spirit world, and transformation.

Andrew Mcilvaine: Resilience Story – Artist Statement

Resilience Story

Through rain there’s a spiritual and cultural downpour that floods the gallery with objects that represent sacred ceremonial practices. This show is about redemption through imprisonment and generational movement. The work reflects the relationship between me, and my father, and the rituals and histories passed from one generation to the next through walls. In the space viewers encounter drawings on paño, which are works on fabric traditionally created by Chicano prisoners from the south and southwestern United States. These works express feelings of loss, progress, hope, love, and highlight stories of resilience. This work is about the act of trying to recover the truth buried in the past, while simultaneously putting to rest prior memories and traumas. As a result, there’s a wrestling with fate and faith in the space and an inner and outer contemplation through self-reflection which mirrors previous trials and tribulations. Here legacy is woven into the fabric of the work through materials like ballpoint pen, silver, tin milagros, and stained glass. Items that hold divine and transformative power, and the ability to recontextualize one’s destiny.