We’ve got a lot of cookbooks here to help you through your Thanksgiving and holiday season. Check them out here. Among our new books, we’ve got Baking by James Peterson, which promises you 300 recipes to guide you in your pursuit of baked goods.
Here at the library I offer you a secret family recipe:
Royal Thanksgiving Turkey
- Preheat oven to 475 degrees.
- Take thawed turkey, rubber glove, and begin removing the Pile of Nasty lodged inside it.
- Baste turkey, using brush, with mixture of 2 quarts bourbon, 1 stick of butter.
- Apply a seasoning mix of garlic, pepper, chives, and questionable spice found in cabinet when reaching for the garlic powder.
- Place stuffing inside. It doesn’t really matter if its cooked or not, surely something magical will happen. Turkey’s a mystery, you know.
- Remember that you forgot to take the center rack out of the oven: using an oven mitt (DO NOT FORGET THIS STEP [again]). When you realize you have nowhere to set rack, throw it outside. If you rent, prepare excuse for landlord explaining grid-shaped burn mark in grass.
- Take battery out of smoke detector. Actually, you shouldn’t really do this step; I’m guessing it’s illegal. For law-abiding citizens, grab noise-cancelling headphones.
- Place turkey, in pan, on the bottom rack, and set the timer for what seems like an eternity. No really, just make up a time. How bad could it be?
- Apply one (1) full contents of fire extinguisher to inflamed bird. Use foot to hold back Labrador retriever. Curse yourself for falling asleep. (In your defense, it isn’t your fault that the Detroit Lions insist on playing every freaking Thanksgiving.)
- Apologize to appropriate neighbors and civil service employees.
- Place keys in ignition, proceed to nearest International House of Pancakes. Pancakes taste better than turkey, anyway, and your vegetarian family members will show visible relief. Turns out, they don’t actually like tofurkey!
Have a good break, folks. We’ll be back Sunday.
